How to Get Your Balls Back OUTTAKES
by Missypooh
Summary: This is a compilation of various outtakes from HOW TO GET YOUR BALLS BACK, sequel to How to Win Back the Love of Your Existence. Told in various POVs, including Edward, Bella, Alice & possibly another Cullen. 1st up? Edward's infamous Aston Martin fantasy
1. Chapter 1

HOW TO GET YOUR BALLS BACK OUTTAKES

CHRISTENING THE ASTON MARTIN (BPOV)

**This is an outtake that takes place approximately one year before the events of How to Get Your Balls Back, just after Bella and Edward returned from their summer vacation in Africa.**

As the plane's wheels hit the runway, I'm jolted awake from my dream.

I can feel a cold hand squeezing mine along with a whispering velvet voice. "Nice dream, love?"

It had been a nice dream; more than nice actually. Edward was naked and those are always the best dreams.

Despite the fact that I'm only weeks from turning 23 years old, a recent college graduate, current law student, and now a world traveler, I still blush like a silly high school girl at Edward's knowing smirk and crooked smile.

He knows I was dreaming about him.

I happily realize we have arrived at Sea-Tac; we're home.

The three week trip to Africa was such a learning experience. I didn't just learn about Africa. I learned so much about the selfless, brave and honorable vampire currently sitting to my left. He's tenderly holding my hand as we wait for the pilot's signal that we can retrieve our carry-on luggage and depart from the plane.

Our trip was unusual because of the perpetual sunny weather. It only allowed us to venture out during the evenings. However, receiving Edward's extensive tours of the various countries and villages he had visited and lived in after he left Forks, gave me new insight into this vampire -no, this man- I'm going to spend the rest of forever with. I don't know how Edward ever thought he had no soul or had lost his humanity. I've never known a more humane being, except maybe Carlisle. Edward dedicated years to those villages, providing much needed medical care and supplies at his own expense. He helped individuals apply for asylum and visas to Europe and North America so that they could escape abuse, neglect, and crippling poverty.

In typical Edward fashion, he downplayed his role, but I could see the passion in his eyes as he spoke. I came to realize that returning to his work in Africa may be something Edward would want to do in the future. I mentioned the possibility of going back to the same villages he had serviced, after my change and newborn period was over. He had smiled indulgently, but pointed out he could not return to those areas for at least 70 years to avoid being recognized and someone noticing his lack of aging. He also pointed out he hoped that by that time, the areas would be in much better shape and not so desperate for medical services that they would allow an odd, pale, and seemingly young doctor be their main source of care.

I think that's the first time I began to understand just how hard it is to fathom forever.

I'm pulled from my rather serious thoughts as Edward stands to retrieve our bags from the overhead compartment. Predictably, he doesn't let me to carry my own bag.

Edward makes arrangements for our checked bags to be delivered to the condo. We are planning on driving straight to the Cullen's to spend some time with his family, I mean, _our_ family. I smile fondly at the thought of the bracelet hanging from my right wrist that signifies my status as a Cullen; even if it isn't official yet.

We've both missed the family, and at Esme's urging, we agreed to go straight to their house from the airport for a long visit.

We quickly locate my car which we'd left in the long term parking lot of Sea-Tac airport three weeks ago.

"We are not driving your car to the house," Edward states firmly as he puts our carry-on bags in the trunk, and then opens the passenger door for me.

"Why not?" I ask, because I'm a bit puzzled by his declaration. Edward has made it known he's not a fan of my _Prius, _but he rarely flat out refuses to drive it.

"I have hardly driven in the last three weeks and I need some power, sweetheart. I am going to pick up the Vanquish. It needs to be driven; it's been months."

"Okay," I agree. I have come to understand Edward's addiction to his cars and I try to be as indulgent as possible. After all, he indulges my addictions, the most powerful of which is Edward himself.

Twenty minutes later, my _Prius_ is tucked away in Edward's private rented garage and we are heading toward the interstate in his Aston Martin Vanquish, the very same one he drove to our prom all of those years ago.

I watch as Edward visibly relaxes as he effortlessly shifts gears and pushes the car to 140 MPH in no time. His golden eyes are ablaze with excitement. I watch his long, pale fingers caress the steering wheel with reverence and affection. It reminds me of when he touches me the same way.

It's arousing to watch Edward expertly handle this powerful car. I suddenly remember the fantasy he'd shared with me that involved this very car during our weekend in Orlando. He told me he fantasized about us having sex on the hood of this car.

Suddenly, Edward's intense gaze cuts into me. "Bella, what are you thinking?" he asks.

I smile coyly, but I don't answer his question.

He smiles back knowingly. "Thought so," he says rather cockily. I can't hide my body's reactions from Edward. It's one of the few downsides of having a vampire boyfriend.

"I know what you are thinking," he taunts with a smirk.

"Oh yeah?" I challenge.

He says one simple word. "Orlando."

"Too bad I don't have those high heels you like with me," I say with exaggerated regret.

"And why is that?" he asks, playing along.

"Well, we have the Vanquish and we're alone. All we're missing is the shoes. It's _so_ unfortunate. Otherwise, I could make your fantasy come true tonight," I say evenly.

"And if you had the shoes, what would you propose, Bella? Pull over onto the side of the highway?"

"Well, I would suggest you find a private area _off_ of the highway. Maybe behind an abandoned building or something," I suggest.

Edward just shakes his head in response. "You can't be serious," he says, but I can see he is just a bit intrigued."

"It's probably illegal," he adds.

"So is driving at 140 miles per hour," I respond.

"Touché'" he says with a smile.

"Come on, Edward. Put those mind reading skills to good use and find us a private spot. Let's properly christen your car," I whisper in what I hope is a sexy and enticing voice."

"Bella, that's crazy. We would need a plan. I would need time to consider all contingencies before we even consider such a thing."

"Edward, hasn't anyone ever told you that spontaneity is sexy?" I ask.

My eyes are drawn to Edward's hands as his grip on the steering wheel noticeably tightens. God, Edward's hands are sexy. Strong, big…and those fingers! They can work more than just a piano. As I start to imagine Edward pulling over and taking me on this car, I suddenly become very excited and very determined to make this particular fantasy come true.

Edward mumbles something about being as bad as Emmett and Rosalie while looking straight ahead, and not responding directly to my question.

But I know Edward. He can only resist so long once I exploit one of his weaknesses.

He has two main weaknesses when it comes to sex: his shoe fetish and my nipple rings.

Luckily, I put the rings back in before we left Africa. Before I moved in with Edward, I rarely wore the rings and only wore them as a necessity to keep the piercings from closing up. But after realizing that Edward was actually somewhat obsessed with them, I made a point to wear them more often.

"Edward, you wanna give me an early birthday gift?" I ask coyly.

"What do you want Bella?" He asks as he swallows, his hands tightening once again.

"For you to fuck me on the hood of this car…right now."

"Bella!" He admonishes and gives me a warning look, his eyes not returning to the road. Now that I have his attention, I massage my breasts and pull on my nipple rings through my thin T-shirt.

"Please, Edward. I want you. Right now!" I plead.

"Dammit, Bella. Why are you always trying to be the death of me?"

Before I can even respond, the car abruptly jerks to the right and Edward abruptly exits from the highway.

"Edward, what the..." I can't finish whatever was going to say because Edward is looking at me and his eyes are smoldering. I know that look. I rarely see it outside our home, or outside our bed. I'm pleasantly surprised he caved so quickly. Edward has certainly loosened up during our time together, but he's rarely this impulsive or amorous without a lot more pushing on my part. I suspect it's not just my nipple rings, but also the excitement he's feeling from driving his _special occasion_ car.

Edward pulls onto what looks to be a deserted logger road and cuts the lights on the car.

He's looking at me with lust-filled eyes, and his right hand is resting on the keys in the ignition. After cutting off the engine. "You sure you want this?" he asks.

"Absolutely. I want you."

"On the hood?"

"Yes," I answer confidently.

"Hard and fast?"

"_Oh, yes_," I answer emphatically.

"Happy early Birthday, Bella."

Edward's not typically a quickie kind of guy. But he does know how to move quickly. In a matter of seconds after opening my door, I am naked and Edward is lifting me to lie me on the hood of the car.

"Gah," I screech as my naked ass comes into contact with the still hot surface.

"Shit, sorry," Edward whispers as he immediately lifts me, moving his ice-like hands to my ass. The coolness feels good and soothes the slight burn.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry," Edward chants as he kisses me. I wrap my legs around his waist and as I feel his erection press against my stomach, I quickly forget about the slight burn.

"Edward, I want you so much," I whisper against his lips.

He looks around. "Backseat?" he asks.

"No, I want to sit on the hood. That's your fantasy," I insist.

With a determined look, he lowers my legs until I am standing on the ground. He quickly turns and runs his cold hands over the front section of the hood. I quickly realize he is absorbing the heat and cooling the surface. In less than a minute I am laying on the hood while Edward kneels and worships me with his mouth bringing me to orgasm masterfully. Edward should write a book on how to perform oral sex. It makes me feel unbelievably good to know I'm the only one that will ever experience Edward like this.

Before I can come down from my orgasmic high, he stands and raises me to him and kisses me deeply. I moan as I can taste myself on his lips. He moans too and quickly wraps my legs around his waist, situating me on the edge of the hood. Just before he enters me he pulls back and gazes into my eyes.

"God, Bella. Do you know what you do to me? Do you know what you make me want to do to you? I swear it scares me sometimes, love."

"Shhh," I whisper soothingly as I lean forward and press my lips to his. "Don't be afraid. It's supposed to be like this. We belong together."

I reassure Edward, but I can't say I haven't felt the same way before. The way I love Edward is always consuming. Even as a naïve 17 year old girl, I was willing to give Edward everything, even my humanity. It's ironic that only after Edward agreed to change me, that I finally have become aware of what exactly I'll be giving up to be with him forever.

The hood of the car is slanted downwards in a very sleek and sophisticated design. It is not so well designed for having sex. Just as Edward moves forward to enter me, I feel my bottom slipping and I slide down too low, no longer aligned with Edward.

"Dammit," he mutters as he quickly moves me back up so that our bodies are better aligned again. He pushes forward and I start to slip again. Edward has to take a step backwards to keep his balance.

A frustrated growl erupts from him. "This went a lot smoother in my fantasies," he says ruefully.

"Maybe if you prop your leg on the bumper, you can hold me steadier?" I suggest.

He nods and props his foot on the front bumper and leans forward to enter me again. Once we are fully connected, we both sigh in relief, enjoying that intense shock of pleasure that is always there when we come together. Edward starts thrusting in earnest as I move my hand to my clit, intent on helping along my second orgasm. Edward growls at the sight and his hands, which are flattened on the hood on either side of me are now clenching. I close my eyes, relishing in the feel of Edward. He starts thrusting in earnest, clearly getting close to getting off when all of a sudden I hear crunching metal. I open my eyes as Edward stumbles backward, removing himself from me once again.

A string of curses follow as Edward's gaze goes to the broken bumper. He must have exerted too much pressure with his foot, because the entire bumper is now lying on the ground.

"Edward, I'm so sorry...," I start, but he cuts me off. "Forget it, it doesn't matter," he says as he moves me upwards on the hood until he is hovering over me, his large body holding me in place. I'm surprised and thrilled that he's more interested in finishing our encounter than the damage to his car. I can tell our weight is denting the hood, but Edward seems oblivious as he enters me again and resumes fucking me.

"I love you," he whispers as he grinds his hips against me, knowing how good that feels to me. I feel my orgasm approaching and I start begging. "Edward, please...so close...come with me."

And he does.

I'm not sure how long it takes for me to come back to reality. Slowly, I come to realize that we are lying on Edward's car and he is holding me in my arms. I rise up and survey the damage underneath me. Edward's beautiful car looks horrible. In addition to the detached bumper, there are several deep dents in the hood caused ,no doubt, by our bodies and Edward's inhuman strength.

I look down at Edward and he is smiling at me.

"Edward, your car!" I exclaim.

He shrugs. "It was completely worth it."

I smile, but before I can kiss him, Edward moves suddenly.

"My phone," he mutters as he retrieves his cell phone from inside of the car. I don't hear anything, but Edward's vampire hearing wouldn't miss even a low vibration.

"It's a text from Alice," he says as he opens the message and reads it. He is leaning back against the front side of the car. I'm on my knees and move slightly so that I can read over his shoulder.

_Emmett and Rosalie will be there in 30 minutes to fix the car -Alice_.

Edward types a response at vampire speed, but pauses before he sends so that I can read it.

_Thanks. Are you losing your touch? You're sending them rather late, aren't you? -E._

_Emmett insisted on giving it an extra 30 minutes. He said he wasn't taking a chance on interrupting your time with 'Bella's honeypot.' -Alice._

I don't know why I'm blushing. There's really no such thing as privacy in a family of vampires with so many special gifts.

_About time he learned some simple manners.-E._

_When I told him you would say that, he said to remind you of your unfortunate bathroom incident. -Alice._

Edward instantly goes stiff, and I know he is uncomfortable that I read that last message. It's not the first time his family has made some cryptic remark about Edward and public bathrooms. Edward has always refused to explain when I've questioned him in the past.

Edward has moved to put on his jeans then hands me my clothes. He's noticeably not making eye contact with me.

"Edward, what unfortunate bathroom incident?"

"Uhh...nothing...Emmett…" he stumbles over his words. Edward rarely has trouble articulating his thoughts.

"Edward, just tell me," I say.

"It's embarrassing, Bella. I wish my family would just forget it."

"Oh, Edward," I tell him. "You don't have to be embarrassed to tell me. Maybe if you tell me, your family will finally let it go."

"Bella, please. You will be disgusted."

"No, I won't."

He takes a deep breath that I know he doesn't need. "I had to masturbate in a public restroom once. I didn't want to, Bella, but it was necessary."

I rub his shoulders and lift his downcast chin up so that he will look at me.

"Was this the night of the poetry reading?"

"How did you know?" he asks, clearly surprised.

"It was the only reason I could imagine for you going into a men's room."

"I'm sorry," he whispers.

"For what? What's the big deal?"

"You're not disgusted?" he asks me.

"Of course not. Just promise me one thing, Edward."

"Anything."

"Next time that urge hits you in public, make sure you take me to the restroom with you."

Just about that time, the skies open up and rain pours down on us but I hardly notice. I'm trying not to laugh as Edward's jaw almost hits the ground.

**E/N—Thanks so much to my "team." Eviekinz, lemonmartinis, and Sis—thanks for the hard work, especially on this outtake. I also have a sister from another mister—she knows who she is. Thank you too!**

**Thank you honeypotettes. Keep the laughs coming. **

**Remember all things Twilight belong to SM (even Edward's now christened Aston Martin).**

**I do feel compelled to let you know that my wonderful beta, Eviekinz, picked up on the fact that the Aston Martin has a push button ignition. However, since SM described Edward's Vanquish as having those archaic things called keys as the means for starting it, I stuck to that description.**

**Review? Please! Please! Please!**


	2. Chapter 2

APOV OUTTAKE

GIRL TIME

**A/N—This is an outtake in Alice's POV relating to the dinner with Paige Sweeney and the events thereafter which take place between chapters 9 through 11 of HOW TO GET YOUR BALLS BACK. There are some hints as to what may be bothering Bella so if you don't want any spoiler type information of any kind, you may want to save to read later.**

"Get her some chocolate brownies…get her some chocolate brownies..." Emmett is chanting so low, Bella can't hear. Edward is ignoring Emmett as he and Bella stare at each other, both too stubborn to back down.

_Eleven more minutes and this will be over_, I remind myself. Jasper quirks his eyebrow, no doubt wondering if the frustration I'm feeling is directed at him. It's not...really. I turn my attention back to the couple who have brought us all to this point. Bella and Edward. What a sister has to do to keep those two from falling apart. I hope they will one day fully appreciate what I do for them, and take me on a worldwide shopping trip to thank me.

The tension between these two has been building for awhile now. I mean you don't need to be clairvoyant to see what's going on. Bella's under some misguided delusion that she needs to constantly challenge Edward; as if giving an inch will lead to her being Edward's doormat again. At the same time, Edward thinks granting Bella's every wish and giving in to her every whim will make up for his leaving.

For two smart people studying to be lawyers, they sure have a problem talking...to each other, that is.

As the saying goes, "Something's gotta give."

Two strong minded and passionate people can't live together under these circumstances. I'd thought they were finally going to have it out in Miami, but Edward and his absurd self control prevailed.

I'd also hoped that Bella would have told Edward about her nightmare by now. She hasn't been enthusiastic about being changed since she had a very vivid nightmare several months ago.

I knew what was going to happen tonight. I knew everyone would be angry at everyone by evening's end. I could have stopped it as one word from me and Esme would have canceled the dinner entirely. But Bella and Edward have to be pushed to talk. Until they acknowledge they're mad at each other, they are never going to learn to communicate effectively with each other.

My beautiful blond husband kneels down before me, taking my hand and looks at me with intense and pleading eyes. "Darling, I promise that Paige will never go near my Civil War collection if that is what you want." I close my eyes and simply concentrate on how much love I have for this man. I hear his sigh of relief as he feels the love I am emitting.

I'm not mad at Jasper...much. Paige is one of those women whom men gravitate toward. She makes them feel special, and she does it without even trying. I shudder to think what kind of gift she would have if she were ever made immortal.

Of course, I didn't like seeing Jasper taken with her like that even if it was only temporary infatuation. I didn't like seeing Esme upset nor did I like seeing Bella and Edward fighting. But sometimes you have to let unpleasant things happen. I've learned that lesson the hard way.

"Bella, maybe we should wait until we're home to discuss this further," Edward says quietly, drawing my attention away from Jasper.

"As if we really have secrets from them? As if Alice has not already seen this?"

"It's a matter of showing some respect, Bella," Edward says through gritted teeth. I have to say it's a sight- seeing the Edward Cullen trademark control- starting to crack.

"Don't mind us," Emmett says from the couch. Rosalie slaps him upside the head.

"Oww. Great. Edward is fighting with his woman and I get hit." Emmett shakes his head in frustration. "This is ridiculous. If you had just given her some chocolate, this wouldn't be happening."

"For the love of all this is holy, will you shut up about the chocolate!" Edward shouts. "You sound utterly ridiculous!"

"What is this chocolate thing you're talking about?" Bella asks Emmett.

"Stay out of it, Emmett." Rosalie says. "Let Edward screw this up by himself."

Things are going downhill quickly. Jasper moves back and leans against the wall at the bottom of the stairwell, crossing his arms across his chest. I quirk my eyebrow- silently asking him why he isn't emitting calm over everyone. He shrugs his shoulders. "If you're not interfering, neither am I," he says softly.

"Bella, Edward? Why don't we give you some privacy?" Carlisle says diplomatically.

"Carlisle, I'm not going to run you out of your home," Bella states. "There is nothing to discuss. I'm going to continue working at my firm and on this case. And Edward is clearly going to keep working with _Paige._"Bella practically spits Paige's name in disgust.

"That's unbelievable. You just accused me of trying to control you. Yet, I've never suggested you not work where you want to work. This passive aggressive thing you have going on _has to stop._"

"What are you talking about, _passive aggressive_?"

"Your behavior is what I'm talking about Bella. I've been patient, but I am at the proverbial end of my rope."

Esme speaks up. "Perhaps you both need to take a break before something is said you may regret. Edward, why don't you take a walk with your brothers?"

She puts her arm around Bella. "Come with me, dear. Let's get you some dessert and maybe things will be better after Edward returns."

Jasper moves and leans down toward me. He kisses my cheek and whispers goodbye before he stands to join Edward.

"Why don't you join the boys?" Esme directs to Carlisle. He nods quickly in agreement.

I squeal in excitement because I love girl time.

A few minutes later, we are lounging comfortably on my bed. Bella's eating a brownie topped with vanilla ice cream while I paint her toenails. Rosalie and Esme are still giving Paige hell.

"The thought of Edward working with that "_man trap"_ makes me ill," Esme says with a shudder.

Rosalie speaks. "And how dare Edward accuse Bella of being passive aggressive? He's the one planning to withhold sex instead of telling her he's upset about something. _That_ sounds mighty passive aggressive to me!"

The statement gets Bella's attention as she looks up from her food. "_What?_" she asks.

"_What?_" Esme echoes, and then clutches her chest in shock_._

I speak up following Rosalie's reveal of Edward's intention. "Bella, he's worried about his control. Since Miami, he's afraid he may have a lapse and hurt you."

"What happened in Miami?" Rosalie asks.

Bella blushes. For having changed a great deal, she is still so much like that shy girl Edward brought home so many years ago in Forks.

"Edward and I fought, and then stopped to make love in the middle of the fight," Bella says while staring at her dessert.

"Oh," Rosalie says knowingly.

"He didn't hurt me, but I had some bruises. It was really no big deal. I've had worse." Bella shrugs and resumes eating her dessert.

"Fighting? Bruises? Angry sex? I bet he _freaked_ the fuck out!" Rosalie says.

"You know, that's just it. He calmed down a little too quickly. I should have known he wasn't over it and that he was secretly over-reacting and plotting. It's such an Edward thing to do."

"But he's changed," Esme defends. "I just can't believe he would decide something like this without even discussing it with you. What was he thinking? He has to know a woman needs more than her vibrator."

Bella's eyes widen slightly at Esme's cavalier reference to sex toys. I've become accustomed to it. Esme believes a sexually satisfied woman is a happy woman. Luckily, the women in our home have never had a problem in that department. She's not happy to find out her newest daughter may be having some troubles in that department.

"I had to get rid of my vibrator. Edward doesn't like me using one," Bella says shyly, as she shoves a big bite of brownie into her mouth.

"The one with a hand crank? That's really too bad, dear. It looked like a keeper." Esme says, rubbing Bella's free arm reassuringly. "Maybe you won't need it. Just talk to him Bella. I think Edward will change his mind after he really thinks this through."

"No, he won't," I say, putting the finishing touches on Bella's pedicure. "He's going to avoid sex until he is convinced he will not lose control again. Personally, I think it's his way of punishing himself for getting carried away last time. You two are going to have to work out these issues or Edward will just keep obsessing about it."

I don't even need the assistance of my visions to know that. Edward and Bella are having problems, and his coping mechanism is to fall back into his oldest habit—over-reaction.

Rosalie huffs. "If Emmett ever tried to use sex to control me, I don't know what I would do. But it wouldn't involve a lot of talking, I can tell you that."

"C'mon Rose. Like you don't use sex to control Emmett sometimes," I point out.

Rosalie shrugs. "Well, I'm a woman. We're supposed to do that."

A look of inspiration crosses Rosalie's face.

"Bella! That's it. You should beat Edward to the punch. _You_ should be the one to declare no sex until he gets his head out of his ass."

Bella gives her a doubtful look.

"Believe me. Nothing straightens Emmett out quicker than a sex embargo."

Esme giggles. "Oh, you girls. I'll never understand you withholding sex from your mate. Isn't that hurting yourself just as much as your mate?"

Rosalie smiles wickedly. "Well, that's where your vibrator comes in to play. Besides, it never lasts long. They give in quickly."

Bella speaks up. "I think Rosalie has a good point. Edward is so quick to cut off sex when _he_ is the one controlling the situation. Let's see how much he likes that plan when it's _me_ that says no. Maybe he will finally understand how it feels to be rejected like that."

My visions suddenly shift as Bella has made her decision. Oh, this is going to be good. This is going to be _very_ good…

**E/N-Eviekinz, thank you for beta'ing this outtake. Congrats on your new addition! You're my hero. **

**You know I love to hear from readers. Please feel free to review or PM and let me know your thoughts.**

**All things Twilight belong to SM**


	3. Chapter 3

HOW TO GET YOUR BALLS BACK—OUTTAKE

STOP USING THE F WORD (EPOV)

**A/N—This is an outtake that takes place about a month after the events of Chapter 17 of How to Get Your Balls Back. It's told from Edward's POV.**

"Ed, come on. I could really use some help. There are so many decisions to make. Rosalie wants me to come up with names and marketing ideas for all of these gift package prototypes. They have to be in the stores in time for Christmas. I'm running out of time!"

Emmett continues to drone on about his sex toy enterprise problems as I pointedly ignore him and continue to play my favorite Xbox game.

We're alone on a Sunday afternoon at my family's home. Bella is out with my mom and sisters, shopping for the wedding which is just two months away; Carlisle and Jasper are hunting.

"I'm going to turn on the Dolphins game," I tell Emmett, finally tiring of playing by myself. "Put that stuff away," I add, tired of the living room looking like Sodom and Gomorrah's warehouse.

"Haven't you been listening to me? I can't. Rosalie is going to be pissed if I don't approve a name and packaging concept for each of these baskets by the time she gets back.

"A little help would be nice," he adds.

"I've told you a hundred times, I promised Charlie I would have nothing to do with your business. It was a condition of his giving Bella and I his blessing to be married. I am _not_ going to jeopardize that."

"You're not involved. We have already made the major decisions. I just need some fresh ideas. You have no idea how hard it is to come up with original catchy names for all this stuff." He punctuates his words with a sweep of his arms across the table which holds baskets full of various adult novelty toys.

I sigh. Maybe I can just help him along in his thought process so we can put this aside and watch the game.

I walk over and look over a white basket full of various items. There are flavored condoms, flavored massage oil, something called a cock ring, and knee pads.

"This seems to be a strange combination of items," I say.

"Oh, that's all the stuff you need for good blow-jobs."

The knee pads are the only part of that package I can understand as being useful.

"Who buys this stuff?" I scoff. "None of this is necessary to experience good fellatio."

"Uh, yeah—that reminds me. I've been meaning to say something to you about that, Ed."

"About what?" I ask, seeing from his thoughts that he is remembering a discussion he had with my siblings a few weeks ago.

"The family voted me as the spokesperson to talk to you about your problem."

"What problem?" I ask suspiciously.

"It's the way you describe oral sex. I know you are uncomfortable with discussing sex in general, but you have to stop saying _fellatio_."

"I don't have a problem discussing sex; there is nothing wrong with using the correct terminology, you know. In fact, you and the others sitting around and talking about this…_that_ is just ridiculous!"

"No, _you_ using a word like 'fellatio' is what is ridiculous. No one uses that word. Even Carlisle doesn't use that word, and he is older than all of us. It also creeps Bella out."

"No, it doesn't."

"Well, it creeps _me_ out. Why don't you just call it a blow job like a normal person?"

I shake my head. What a stupid slang term. It's not like there is blowing involved.

"Giving head? Going down? Cock sucking? Polishing the knob? Kissing the one-eye monster? Licking the popsicle? Lubing the salami…"

"Please stop. I am not saying any of those. Bella doesn't seem to mind my use of the proper term for oral sex. In fact, I'm sure that saying anything about polishing a knob or lubing the salami _would _creep Bella out. "

"A thousand bucks says it would excite Bella to hear you ask for a blow job or some head. I mean, it has to sound better than you saying, 'Bella, please give me fellatio,' or 'Bella, I'm feeling like having some good fellatio,' or even, 'Bella, while you're down there, can you perform fellatio?'"

He cackles at his own jokes. "You're disgusting," I say dismissively, and turn my attention back to the football game on the TV. "There is no way I am going to discuss, with _you_, my intimate relations with Bella."

I make sure I give no outward sign that his criticisms have bothered me, but truth be told, they have. It never occurred to me Bella would be bothered by my use of the term fellatio. I realize it may not be the current, hip way to refer to oral sex but it isn't as pathetic as Emmett tried to make it seem.

Is it?

"What? You're not going to help with these baskets?" Emmett practically whines.

"Just call it the ultimate pervert basket," I respond.

"That's not going to sell," he retorts, while completely missing the sarcasm in my remark.

"I've got it!" he exclaims with sudden inspiration, "The _Blow-jobs for Dummies_ basket."

()&^%*((()^%%

I turn on the heated mattress as I hear Bella finishing up her nightly routine. She will be joining me in bed within minutes. I lay back, folding my hands underneath my head, staring at the ceiling. My thoughts wander over the events of the day; Emmett's words keep haunting me. Normally, I wouldn't let anything he has to say on the subject of sex bother me, but I really enjoy fellatio. I would hate to think that all this time I have been doing something that Bella may find…unsexy. If she is truly bothered by it, she may take fellatio away from me.

I look over as Bella enters the bedroom wearing nothing more than a t-shirt and a pair of tiny white panties.

She sighs heavily as she settles into my side. "Tired, love?" I ask as I rub her arm, soothingly.

"Shopping with Alice makes for a long day," she says stifling a small yawn.

I close my eyes and stroke Bella's hair as she rests her head on my chest. I presume she is getting ready to sleep when I suddenly feel her warm tongue dart out as she kisses my chest. I feel her left hand brush my abdominal muscles and then she caresses my hip.

"Hmm, that feels wonderful," I tell her as I kiss the top of her head.

Her hand moves directly against my member and I hiss as I harden. I swallow hard before speaking. "Bella, it's not nice to tease."

"It's not teasing if I plan to follow through," she answers with a smile in her voice.

"I thought you were tired."

She responds by shifting and moving downward, kissing the trail of hair down toward my naval with her tongue. After she plants a kiss directly on my naval she whispers, "I'm never too tired to taste your delicious cock."

Her words make me harden even more. She pushes my boxers down and immediately takes me into her mouth. Bella has performed fellatio on me 246 times, and each time has been as amazing as the last. As I begin to replay my favorite fellatio memories, something suddenly occurs to me. She has performed oral sex on me 246 times- and has never once said the word 'fellatio.' Maybe she _doesn't_ like that word; maybe she thinks it _is_ old-fashion and outdated.

I am brought from my musings as Bella releases me from her mouth. "Do you like that?" she asks huskily, as she licks the underside of my cock before taking it back in her mouth.

My first instinct is to tell her yes, that she gives the best fellatio, but Emmett's warning makes me change my mind. I keep my response simple and avoid any use of the "F" word.

"Yes, Bella, so much."

I move my hand down to her head and gently guide her movements. I take a deep breath and decide to test the waters.

"I love it when you…suck my cock," I whisper.

Bella immediately stops her movements, and I loosen my grip on her head. She pulls back and looks at me incredulously. I am afraid I have offended her by my crass language.

After what feels like an eternity, but in reality is only 9.7 seconds, Bella speaks. "You've never spoken like that before."

"I'm sorry," I respond automatically.

"For what? I have been waiting for you to say something like that for almost two years! "

Oh, thank God.

"Talk dirty, Edward. Please," she pleads just before she enthusiastically takes my cock back into her mouth and sucks so hard my eyes roll into the back of my head.

Once I gather control of my motor functions, the words just flow, almost with no conscious thought.

"Yes! Suck that cock baby..."

"Oh, you give the best head, Bella!"

Bella moans around my cock, encouraging me to continue.

"Uh, your mouth…it's so fucking hot...blow me, Bella!"

"That's it, Bella! Lick that popsicle!"

"Suck my salami…harder!"

I'm silently cursing myself for not speaking more freely during oral sex before when I suddenly hear Charlie's outrageous voice. "Edward, did you just ask _my daughter_ to suck your salami?"

"What? Charlie? How did you…?

"Uh, Bella, stop!"

I am not sure what has me more stunned, Charlie's unexplained appearance, or Bella's refusal to stop giving me oral sex upon his sudden appearance in our bedroom.

After more urging from me, Bella finally gives an annoyed sigh and releases my member, then scoots up until she is sitting up in bed beside me.

"Hi, dad," she says so casually.

Charlie doesn't respond. He simply glares at me as he thinks of the various ways he can remove my genitalia from the rest of my body. He's wishing he had brought his gutting knife that he has as part of his fishing gear at home.

After 11 seconds of the most awkward silence ever, Bella looks at me and whispers, "Say something."

"Charlie, I know I told you that you are always welcomed in our home, but this is not exactly a good time."

No answer. Now he's thinking about his filleting knife.

"Uh, is something wrong? Is this some sort of emergency?" Now that I am recovering from the shock and think about it, I realize there must be some sort of an emergency. Only an emergency would have caused Charlie to drive three hours to Seattle in the middle of the night and appear in our bedroom.

"You could say that. I got a call from Emmett earlier. He was trying to get me to place a bet on the Seahawks game. He happened to mention that he was so relieved that he was finished with a big project for his _business_."

I'm going to rip Emmett into pieces, then I am going to then put him back together and rip him apart again. Then I will burn him.

Charlie continues in a deceptively calm voice. "He said you were helping him with ideas for his _Blow-jobs for Dummies _basket. But you know what? The most disturbing part of the conversation wasn't about that ridiculous basket. It wasn't even about you helping him with his business, again. No, the most disturbing part was when he mentioned he shared some _advice_ with you, on how to treat Bella while she performs fellatio."

There are so many things that horrify me about what Charlie has just said. Surprisingly, the worst part is witnessing Charlie use the word 'fellatio.' It _is _creepy!

"Edward! Edward!"

I am startled from my musings by Bella's voice and her tugging at my arm. Whoa, my imagination really got away from me there. I frantically look around and listen for thoughts, just to confirm that Charlie is no where around.

"Bella?" I answer, unsure of how long she has been trying to get my attention. Her hair is wet from her shower and she is dressed in shorts and a tank top.

"Edward, if I didn't know better, I'd have thought you were having a nightmare," Bella says perplexed. "You were clearly distressed and mumbling; you didn't seem aware I was even here."

"Uh, no," I respond, running my hand through my hair while I exhale loudly. "I was just thinking about some things from my afternoon with Emmett. I'm sorry if I worried you."

Bella smiles reassuringly and climbs into bed. I immediately pull her close to me, silently vowing to never use the term _fellatio_ or _sucking the salami_, again. Unfortunately, I will never get the imagined image of Charlie using those words out of my head.

I also vow to make sure our doors are locked before we go to bed to ensure that Charlie never catches us doing _that_.

"Edward?" she asks after a minute passes in silence.

"Yes, love?"

"Can you explain something to me? Why were you mumbling about my dad and fellatio in the same sentence?"

_Oh hell._

**E/N—You think Edward has been convinced not to use the word 'fellatio' ever again? I don't know. Old habits die hard. In case it wasn't clear, Edward was 'day-dreaming'. Bella did not give him the blow job, he did not talk dirty, and Charlie never showed up.**

**I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and holiday season. Here's hoping you all got your own **_**Blow-jobs for Dummies Basket.**_** I'm sorry this is late. Holidays at Sis' house were….distracting. I will resume with the next regular chapter after the new year.**

**Thanks to all of you sweet readers and reviewers. And to Eviekinz (beta), lemonmartinis (pre-reader), and Sis (pre-reader when she is not full of attitude) who help so much with this story? You have my eternal gratitude already.**

**Remember, all things Twilight belong to SM (except Emmett's **_**Blow-jobs for Dummies**_** baskets).**


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